It’s amazing how different we can become over time.

There are people who have come in and out of my life who have changed me, significantly. There used to be a time when I would shout toward the heavens and ask God why he hated me so much, why he allowed such horrible people in my life or for my heart and spirit to be broken so many times.

I was young, then.​

In those moments, it never felt as if He answered me and I felt forsaken, forgotten, and put upon. For years, for chunks of time, my heart was heavy and I was unsure of my purpose, convinced I’d be better off dead.​

I was unfaithful, then.​

With each heartbreak, each empty promise and abuse, each break in my spirit and lost dream, I never thought I heard God. I only heard the waling of my own sobs. I heard only my despair.

“Why, God! Why me?”

As the years went on, my cries subsided and my skin leathered. With each blow, I became more resistant and with each broken ​heart, I became more aware of trickeries and phantasms. 

Then, there was the big one.​

This love was like a natural disaster and, when it was done ripping through my life,​ whipping me around, and tearing my foundation apart, there was nothing left but me and my God. There was an eerie silence, a darkness, and a stillness in the air. I cried for all the things I’d lost and for the aching of my heart and soul. I cried for the hand I had in my own torture and torment. I cried until there were no tears left. I hurt until there was no hurt left and, then, I became numb. I became as still and quiet as the air around me.

And it was then that I heard Him.​

It took me over 30 years to understand my life and life in general. It took the quieting of my sobs to hear the word of my God and to know I was healed. These days, I have a faith and conviction I have never known and am proud of my growth and the years of tearing down and building up it took to get here. It seems that all the times I thought I wasn’t hearing from Him, He was busy mending me, making me stronger for the wear.

Making me, not only able to hear, but to understand.

Today, I saw that old love, that natural disaster, and as we sat across from each other over a couple of beers, it was all I could do not to get up and walk away.​ It had been 7 months since we’d seen one another and 7 months since my trip into that dark, still, silent space from which I emerged renewed and knowing.

I was unmoved.

And that natural disaster seemed like a cool breeze as he danced around me, trying to convince me we belong together.​ I could see the devil in his eyes trying to rob me of my joy and anointing. I smirked. I swiped and tapped my phone, unable to engage fully with this sliver of my past.

This nothingness.

It took me all this time but I am finally secure and firm in my ​resolution for peace in my spirit, the safeguarding of my heart, and the fortitude of my mind. And, as I write this, I am thinking of all of you out there who are wondering why you and if you’ll ever feel okay with yourself. Those of you who are wondering if you’ll ever feel safe and secure in your own skin, aware of those who mean you harm and steering clear of them. Or maybe you think God’s not listening. Maybe you think he’s not fixing you. Maybe you think that all your hurt, all your mistakes, and all the times you were broken was for nothing.

Trust me; you’re wrong.​

Keep going. Keep living. Don’t be afraid of breaking because He will heal you and you will heal stronger in those broken places. Cry. Cry all you want but, one day, the tears will stop and you will hear his voice and understand and it will all make sense. Trust me.

It’s amazing how different we can become over time.

​

​This Makeover Month, I have decided to go back to the look I feel defines me and my style. For years, I wore curly Indian extensions and lots of them! So, I called on my original stylist, the man who helped create the Vixen’s look, and we went back to basics!

Lawrence Ray Parker, known simply as Ray, provided the hair, the color, the cut, the styling and styling products for this full bodied, natural look. What better time for new hair than right now and as we get ready for summer.​

I achieve this look with about 12 ounces of hair (4 bundles) and styling with Ray’s LRC Hair Care System. The cut and color are custom, ofcourse.

If you would like to purchase this hair, email Lawrence Ray Concepts specify the desired length and number of 3 oz. bundles you’d like and you will receive a quote and ordering instructions.

In the coming days, I will post a video tutorial utilizing new a new LRC product, Shake & Go, not yet available on the company’s website, that is perfect for styling these curly tresses.​

Happy Hair!​

Every Makeover Month, I am sure to introduce Juice Beauty to my readers. This year, I am giving you an exclusive discount code to use during checkout!

PROMO CODES:

• KARRINE15: $15 off $75 or more plus FREE sample trio
• KARRINE50: $50 off $300 or more plus FREE sample trio
• Orders over $125 get a FREE deluxe size Green Apple Cleansing gel

Now, for those of you who are new to Makeover Month and my devotion to Juice Beauty, let me bring you up to speed.​

About fours years ago, I found myself if a really dark place. I was unhappy and unhealthy and it was written all over my face. Literally. My skin was dull and lifeless and had broken out so badly that my personal photographer refused to shoot photos of me!​ Stress, a poor diet, cigarettes, and vast consumption of alcohol had taken its toll and nothing I tried worked very long. Medications, being unnatural, would stop working after about six months, as my body built up defenses to chemicals.

So, as I sat in bed one early morning before dawn, I saw a commercial for Juice Beauty.​ It was longer than the usual 30 second spot but shorter than an infomercial. It may have been about 15 minutes long but that was long enough to convince me their products were what I needed to change my skin for the long term.

Here are a few facts about Juice Beauty that made me a believer, user, and advocate:​

• Juice Beauty uses powerful ingredients such as alpha lipoic acid, coenzyme Q10, DMAE, peptides, fat soluble Vitamin C and essential fatty acids for optimum results proven by clinical studies that have shown an 85% reduction in free radical skin cell damage (which means less wrinkles and sun spots!).

• Most beauty products that use “organic” in their marketing use only a few organic ingredients in a water base, making the total organic content dilute and often less than 5%. Instead of the typical water base that cannot be certified “organic or pesticide free,” Juice Beauty puts over 100 USDA certified organic powerful ingredients into a 100% certified organic juice base (made from over 30 different juices) thus bringing the total organic content up to 98% in every product.

• The Juice Beauty team continually searches the West Coast for the purest, most effective organic ingredients, including organic juices, aloe vera, honey, botanicals, plant oils, and raw cane sugar from farms that specialize in sustainable and organic farming. These amazing formulations are made without parabens, petroleum, propylene or butylene glycol, sodium lauryl sulfates, pesticides, phthalates, artificial dyes or synthetic fragrances.

Here is my order list for the season:​

• ​Blemish Clearing Cleanser ($22)
• Hydrating Mist ($22)​
• Blemish Clearing Serum ($29)​
• Antioxidant Serum ($45)​
• Stem Cellular Repair Moisturizer ($65)​
• Stem Cellular Repair Eye Treatment ($45)​
• Green Apple Peel full Strength ($45)​
• Organic Facial Rejuvenation Mask ($32)​

These products will last me well into the fall. The promo codes above will assist with your purchases and the videos below will show you how I use Juice Beauty, daily. I’ll film all new, updated videos when my shipment arrives!​

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Every Makeover Month, I recommend this product and I will recommend these forever.

Exfoliating gloves.

I have been using these every single day for years during every shower and bath. Seriously, I have not touched a washcloth in friggin’ years and, when you make the switch from washcloths to exfoliating gloves, you will realize how unclean you have been this entire time.

Honestly.​

The idea came to me during my visit to a Korean spa. There, they laid me out on a table and scrubbed my body with milk and exfoliating gloves. There were several other ladies in the spa, all of us naked, all of us being scrubbed. When I rose from the table, I saw the ground was littered with dead skin, which the Korean spa attendants (dressed in nothing but bras and panties)​ flushed with water, down the drains in the floor.

First, I thought, this is fucking gross. Then, I thought, wait a minute! This is kind of awesome! I went to my local drug store and bought my own set of gloves and I have been using them ever since.​

This exfoliation will remove the dead skin cells that gather everyday, trapping dirt and oils, causing dull skin, darkening, and breakouts. Exfoliating is recommended before waxing and shaving, as well, to assure better hair removal. Pay special attention to your knees, elbows, feet, underarms, bottom, and bikini area. These are often problem areas for roughness and darkening and exfoliating can help with that.

At about $5.00 or less, exfoliating gloves are an inexpensive way to change your skin’s health and appearance after just one use!

Happy scrubbing!​

Every Makeover Month, I recommend this product and I will recommend these forever.

Exfoliating gloves.

I have been using these every single day for years during every shower and bath. Seriously, I have not touched a washcloth in friggin’ years and, when you make the switch from washcloths to exfoliating gloves, you will realize how unclean you have been this entire time.

Honestly.​

The idea came to me during my visit to a Korean spa. There, they laid me out on a table and scrubbed my body with milk and exfoliating gloves. There were several other ladies in the spa, all of us naked, all of us being scrubbed. When I rose from the table, I saw the ground was littered with dead skin, which the Korean spa attendants (dressed in nothing but bras and panties)​ flushed with water, down the drains in the floor.

First, I thought, this is fucking gross. Then, I thought, wait a minute! This is kind of awesome! I went to my local drug store and bought my own set of gloves and I have been using them ever since.​

This exfoliation will remove the dead skin cells that gather everyday, trapping dirt and oils, causing dull skin, darkening, and breakouts. Exfoliating is recommended before waxing and shaving, as well, to assure better hair removal. Pay special attention to your knees, elbows, feet, underarms, bottom, and bikini area. These are often problem areas for roughness and darkening and exfoliating can help with that.

At about $5.00 or less, exfoliating gloves are an inexpensive way to change your skin’s health and appearance after just one use!

Happy scrubbing!​

One of the first things I’m doing during this, our Third Annual Makeover Month (#MM3), is pay special attention to my skin. Winter was rough on me –– my hair, nails and skin have suffered and it’s essential I whip it all back into shape before bikini season!

My skin has been super dry all Winter and during these first few weeks of Spring. There are tons of ways to moisturize dry skin, but I have opted for this lightweight, naturally derived, organic way.

I have become more aware of the things I’ve been putting on my skin as well as in my body and, to be honest, I’ve been slipping in both categories!​ I feel guilty when I use lotions and potions with complicated ingredients that seep into my skin, doing God knows what sort of harm! So, I just wanted to use an oil. A natural, honest oil.

Anyway, enter coconut oil!​

As an islander, this stuff was and is an essential part of my upbringing, culture, and diet, as was every part of the coconut –– the water, the flesh, even the husk!​ So, I guess you can say, I’m going back to my roots. You can use this oil on your skin, hair, in your food and drinks –– everywhere! There are many beauty and health benefits to coconut oil and I intend on exploring them all during MM3.

Straight out of the shower or bath, massage coconut oil into your skin. It is very light, melts very easily, and a little goes a very long way. Also, you’ll smell yummy –– like a coconut tart –– which I love. In a couple days, I’ll show you how I use this oil as a hot oil treatment for my hair.

Here’s a little more information:​

​Why coconut oil is better than the average face moisturizer. And hair serum. And body lotion: “Commercial moisturizers contain lots of water, which makes you feel like your skin is being moisturized. But as soon as the water dries, your skin becomes dry again. Also, many commercial brands of moisturizers contain petroleum-based ingredients that can suffocate the skin. In contrast, coconut oil provides deep and real moisture. It helps strengthen underlying tissues and helps remove excessive dead cell on the skin’s surface that makes your skin rough and flaky in texture. It also great for shine and as a natural moisturizer for your hair. -Huffington Post

​More skin benefits of coconut oil:

Vitamin-E: The contributions of vitamin-E towards skin are well known. It is essential for a healthy skin growth, repair of wear & tear of the skin, keeping skin smooth and protection against cracking and above all, it prevents aging and wrinkling of skin, as it has good anti-oxidant properties. 100 g of coconut oil has about 0.1 mg of vitamin E  thus enhancing it skin nourishing properties.

Proteins: Like coconut, coconut oil is rich in many proteins. These proteins keep skin healthy and rejuvenated, both internally and externally.

The best property of coconut oil that makes it so great for the skin is that it does not go rancid. So when you apply it on the skin, it can work longer unlike many other oils without itself getting rancid. Due to these various beneficial properties of coconut oil, it is used as an important ingredient in several skin care creams. -Organic Facts

I suggest you do a bit more research about coconut oil and, if it suits you, pick up a jar of this stuff and include it in your beauty and diet regimen.​

2013 marks the eighth year since I began my career as an author and the first year I ventured into independent publishing –– releasing How To Make Love To A Martian through Steffans Publishing on Valentine’s Day.

Martian is a gift. It is a gift to myself, to my Martian, and to our fans. I priced it at just $2.99 because, essentially, I wanted to almost give it away.​ I wanted to share the joy of professional, emotional, and personal freedom with you!

I am finally found and I wanted you to see it.​

Martian marks the very first time you have read my words without the rules and confines of a monstrous conglomerate guiding my every move, deciding how many words and pages, what goes in, what comes out, what it’ll be called, who will be sacrificed, and which picture to slap on the cover.​

I’m done with that.​

Now, what’s left is raw emotion and the way I’ve always wanted you to see me. This is the way all my books would have been written had there not been so much interference. What’s left now is me.​

Just me.​

And you see me. You assimilate with me and you realize we’re not so different after all. You have a Martian and he may not be on the radio every 7 minutes but you have one all the same and he drives you nuts –– he may even drive you to drink –– but you wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Still, I was afraid.​

What if you didn’t like it? What if you didn’t understand it ? What if Martian got horrible reviews and my interviews didn’t go so well?​ I haven’t been promoting this book out of respect for my Martian and his most recent health scares and have been happy to let word-of mouth carry the project while I work on my next book, which I plan on publishing in June.

With Martian, I wanted more quality and less quantity. I wanted quality reviews from quality reviewers and interviews with choice members of media. I wanted to focus on my art, my passion, my writing and let those things shine through.

I wanted no gratuitousness. ​

So, when my friend Blaire suggested I interview for The Conversation, I jumped at the chance. And this interview turned into exactly what The Conversation’s television show and website have been about –– being.

See, it wasn’t an interview at all. There, on the phone, were two girls talking about boys.  Jessica Tholmer may be ten years younger than I, but she is far from being some kid with a MacBook and a list of questions to which she already thinks she knows the answers. 

She is both a conduit and a receptacle.​

What happened during and after our conversation is what you will read in the article she penned for, of course, The Conversation. To date, this is the best article every written about me and one of my books in my entire eight year career as an author and, now, a publisher.

I am grateful for this. It brought me to tears to be so ​understood and to see such a young, emerging writer put herself in the story and claim her vulnerabilities while identifying with mine.

Mark my words, this Tholmer chick is gonna go far.​

​

When I was thirteen years old, I fell in love for the first time.​

We were kids but we knew.

We were kindred, tortured souls, hurting, dying on the inside, depending on eachother and those moments in the school halls to make us smile. Those late nights on the phone, whispering so we would’t get caught.​

We shared everything on those nights.​

His pain and mine, our families and all the shit they’d done that left us fucked up and broken from the moment we were born. We were in junior high and, while other kids were concerned with the usual kid shit, he and I were just trying to stay alive.

I was trying to save him and he was trying to save me.​

We called eachother husband and wife and planned to marry after high school. My family knew. His family knew.​ And this was just the way it would be.

Then, he left me.​

He was sent away and, shortly after, I moved but we always kept in touch, always holding on to our promise. We wrote letters and sent pictures, we ran up monsterous phone bills and never missed an opportunity to remind the other how much we loved them. By time I was seventeen and he was nineteen, we were three thousand miles apart.

But, as promised, after high school, I went to him.​

In his room, we went through old class photos and all the pictures we’d taken together or sent one another. We reread our love letters and notes passed in the halls between classes. He saved everything. And, as his grandmother cooked and blared Salsa music, my love and I made plans to never be apart again.​

I thought nothing of it when he went to the store for cigarettes. I waited on his bed. Hours passed. I fell asleep there. He came in shortly before the sunrise. I opened my eyes, slightly, and was relieved.​

Angry but relieved.​ 

I awoke the next morning to find him and all the money from my wallet gone. It was then that his grandmother told me about the drugs.​

The heroine.​

The cocaine.​

I flew three thousand miles back ​from where I came and never heard from him again. But, I always thought him –– my first love –– and how different my life could have been if he wasn’t an addict, if I could have been with him as we planned.

I thought about him for seventeen years.

I began searching for him on the internet about five years ago –– maybe six –– but I could never find him. I figured he was dead.

Still, I never stopped looking, hoping, praying.

Last year, I found him and he wasn’t three thousand miles away. He wasn’t even three miles away. He was alive and well and living in Los Angeles and had been for over six years.​

I fell to the floor.

I cried so hard and thanked God for sparing his life. We talked. We cried. We made plans. Now, it’s almost one year later and we still haven’t seen each other.​ 

The pain and resentment is still right under the surface and everyone’s afraid to scratch.​

There’s alot more to this story and I know I have kept you preoccupied with tales of other loves, other attachments, other people whose names you recognize. But, tonight, I can see the butterfly effect. I realize how my first love and his love drugs keeps me bound to my last love.

I’ve been trying to save you since I was thirteen.

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​

I haven’t written in a while. There’s a reason for that.​

There are times when I am silenced and it is usually by the aching of my heart. There are just a few people in my life who I let close enough to hurt me and, true to form, it is always the people closest to you who hurt you the most.​

I go within.​

I have spent the last couple weeks evaluating my friendships, my relationships, and my loves. I have stepped outside of myself, looked, and listened to the shit the goes on between us –– the things we’ve said, the things we’ve done.​

I shuttered.​

I broke down.​

There were things I needed to say, privately, and things I needed to hear. I needed to know just how much he loves me and I needed proof of it all.

I got it.

I needed to mend a friendship with a powerful source –– a man who inspires me to greatness and a higher level of focus and understanding.​ He is my muse and my magnetic north.

I am drawn.​

And there are others, these distractions, shape shifters,​ wolves wearing the skins of people, following me through the brush, waiting for me to stumble and fall –– waiting to pounce.

I am aware.​

So, you see, when you don’t hear from me, I am waiting, I am listening, and I am watching. I am falling down the rabbit hole and into a wonderland of warped realties and infinite possibilities. I am figuring out who is who and what is what and I am taking note of it all.

After, all, this is from where the books come…

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I am so freaking excited about our 3rd Annual Makeover Month! 

For those of you who are new to my blog, Makeover Month happens every April. During the month, I share with my readers all I do to get ready for summer.

I will take you on an organic beauty journey with brands like Juice Beauty and Tarte. I will take you shopping with me as I scour malls, boutiques, and internet for affordable fashion. We will workout together and change our diets as we slim down and tone up for beach and pool weather. There will also be some home makeover tips, as well!

I’m really looking forward to this. I am so over Winter, ready for Spring, and dying for Summer.​ If you agree, join me for our 3rd Annual Makeover Month and let’s get ready for the sunshine!

“Add more names and disclose the identity of Papa or give the money back.” I remember how my publisher blew my mind with this statement in 2006 after I turned in the manuscript for The Vixen Diaries.

You guys are on the outside looking in and have no idea what goes on behind the scenes of an industry, any industry.

For the first time, I am free from the meddling hands of editors, attorneys, and a publisher telling me what to write, how to write, how much to write, what to put in or leave out. never again will someone dictate the name of my work, its cover art, the amount of words used, or how the work will be presented and when.

Thank you for making How To Make Love To A Martian my first book with such amazing reviews that they brought tears to my eyes. I am happy that you can see me more organically, now, and that you appreciate the real me.

In a series of videos I posted almost two years ago, I stated, “the vixen doesn’t exist” and “it was all contrived”. Simple folks, not familiar with the English language believed what I meant was that it was all a lie. But, what I meant is just what the word means –– the Vixen was deliberately created instead of arising naturally or spontaneously –– and the response mirrored that. Though I have found success and New York Times best selling acclaim three times, nothing is sweeter than being appreciated for the art, for the purity of the project.

Martian is organic and the response to it is overwhelming. It shows me that, not only do I not need the approval of a large publishing house, but that I am better without them. 

Thank you for validating my gift, my art, and the notion that I operate better alone.